Thursday, April 26, 2007

How Palace can learn from Napoleon

Exclusive: A leaked Palace document which forms part of Peter Taylor's 'roadmap to the Premiership' shows how an understanding of nineteenth century military history can help us to victory next season

The following notes show how Palace can achieve success by adapting Napoleonic military tactics... we're rather taken with the bright reds and blues and the glistening Eagles on sticks - all very Palace!

1. Form square For the 2007-08 season, Palace's primary defensive system will be to form an infantry style square in the 18 yard-box. It's a proven defence against cavalry attack and we believe it could be just as effective against opposition wingers. We are checking with the Nationwide league to clarify rules allowing Leon Cort and Mark Hudson to fix bayonets.

2. The retreat from Moscow formation We perfected this in the 2006-07 season where, after our corners have been cleared, we have a bedraggled and exhausted looking bunch of stragglers trying to make it back to their own half. Scowcroft, Kuqi and Kennedy have done a passable impression of the shattered remnants of the Imperial Guard struggling through the snow. We're thinking of adapting this next season to include a scene where Kuqi is butchered for horse flesh.

3. Artillery In the absence of any kind of midfield quality, the back four maintain an aerial barrage. Rather than have Palace wasting energy by charging upfield like the Scots Greys, the order will be 'just bloody boot it!'

4. Attacking in line Again, a tactic we've already worked on this season. String everybody out in a line and plod aimlessly forward towards the opposition while they pick us off at will.

5. Sign Sharpe A dashing hero could be the answer to our lack of cut and thrust up front, get that goalscoring bloke from Scunthorpe (although knwing our luck we'll end up with Mr Bean instead).

No comments: